Last Post of 2004???

What can I say about this harsh bitch-goddess of a year? She seemed more than willing to give with one hand and take with another. Ha. Or is it just me and my mere mortal point of view. Maybe 'there's nothing up in the sky but air' as the song from Hedwig says. 2004 wasn't the horrible misery of 2003. And it certainly wasn't bland like 2002 (was that even a real year -- that's like a JV year). My perfect picture for 2004 would be me shooting myself in the foot -- over and over and over again. Out of fear and stupidity. My hope is that I learn from this year - and keep myself from repeating the same mistakes (mistakes I've really been making for years, I suppose - it's just that in 2004 it all came to a head). Grow up, be a man, an adult, all that. It's a hard line for me to walk - I'm such a child - but I've got to try and walk it - or stumble through it (or run across the tightrope fast-as-I-can).
Now, my sister mentioned something on her blog about looking back at the things we like about 2004 (or ourselves) and to try and continue those things...

I've gotten better at managing money (granted I've only got 4.18 in my bank account). Tired of bouncing checks and paying fees - I set myself up with a caveman-like system I call "Envelopes". Get paid, direct deposit. That day take out all money for bills and put them in various Envelopes marked: RENT, GROCERIES, OUC, BRIGHTHOUSE and VERIZON....you get the idea. Then forget about this money until it's time to pay whatever bill comes around. The system is archaic but it works for me - no more 'money' floating out in the ether only to disappear when I need it most. And this next year I'm thinking of expanding the Envelopes to such esoteric subjects like: THE KITTY (aka RAINY DAY) and maybe THE IPOD. Also...Sid and Nancy, my landlords, now only get cashier's checks -- cause those bastards will hold onto a regular check, almost daring you to spend money from your account.

I'm proud (ugh - that's probably always going to be a weird feeling for me - pride in something) of the theatre work I did this year. Starting with Noises Off and ending with 1940s Radio Hour, this was a pretty busy year for me and my little hobby - a hobby that seems to consume more and more of my thoughts and time and energy (in a good way). Noises Off was one of my dream roles - I love that character and I just love that show and I hope some day that I can be in that show again. MSG taught me a lot about how I will allow myself to be treated by my director - and gave me the chance to be silly and pompous (and adapt my dialogue so that it might actually be funny). I kinda miss the Mozart wig - but not enough to reprise the role. The Rocky Horror Show - this I am most proud of. Isn't it funny that this blog started out as a rant about worrying about that show (and to be fair - the rehearsals WERE horrible). It's almost two different stories: The Rehearsal Horror Show and The Rocky Horror Show. But I'm so...proud...of the work that I did in that show. And I miss that cast terribly. My number one with a bullet reason for being involved with theatre has been to make new friends and I hit the jackpot with Rocky. And my 'old' friends - Sarah and Jeff - just - it was amazing to watch the two of them - two of the most important people in my life - shine so brightly. And then we have 1940s Radio Hour -- the show that taught me many lessons: Don't do a show around Christmas, too hectic - You have to love the material you're working with to do a show in Eustis, to make that drive worth it - and finally, if you surround yourself with people you love and trust, you can make it through any chaos any bullshit.

I can't think of something clever to end this post on. 'How's that working out for you? Being clever.'
I want nothing but good things for all of my family and friends and if, in some small way, I help create those things - I hope that I don't blink or hesitate.

As Mark, of Mark & Lorna fame says during the CHICAGO medly: "We're all gonna go to Hell. In a red car"
As Jeff says: Commit and execute
As my Dad says: I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
As that lady in the Snickers commercial says: "Oh, along about noon - when your appetite's a poking at ya, poking at ya"
As David says: Never attribute to malice what you can blame on stupidity
As Amber says: That rules all over the world
As my Mom says: He use to spike it up
As Sarah says: Don't tickle me



So, that's it then, tidy up the year when you leave and turn out the lights. See you in January.

Lame Duck

Ten People You Enjoy The Company Of:

Sarah
Jeff
Amber
Marcie
Kevin
Megan
Kevin
Gina
Geoff
Steve

(damn - like everybody else who answered this question - that number turns out to be too small)

Nine Words/Phrases You Like To Say:

moot
nosh
dramaturge - (this is a new one)
"I don't know" - (I probably DO know, I'm just done talking about it with you)
cunt
"Pretty good" - (my standard issue response when someone at work asks me how I'm doing)
bastard
"The Devil And Daniel Webster" - (still topping the charts for favorite OCD phrase to say over and over again)
"JYD, God Bless His Soul" - (You should say this when speeding under a yellow light)

Eight Things I'm Wearing:

My watch.
New underwear
Pants
Sweater
Jacket
Wife Beater
Socks
Shoes

Seven Things On Your Mind:

Get me out of here.
What to do for New Year's?
Need computer at home.
Man, I'm starting to have a lot of magazine subscriptions.
I just want to sit.
I wonder if the food at Matt's party will be good.
Can't wait to go to yoga tomorrow.

Six Items You Touch Everyday:

Myself - (small bladder)
Cell
Work Computer
My shoelaces
Plastic cup - (for water)
Cardboard boxes

Five Things You Do Every Day:

Blog
Complain
Worry
Laugh
Weep

Four Songs On Your Mind:

Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand (still topping my list)
Such Great Heights - Postal Service (it's playing right now)
Another Nation Anthem - Assassins (2004 Cast)
Baby's On Fire - Velvet Goldmine Soundtrack

Three Things You Think Of When You Wait Up:

Fuck Me.
Fuck This.
Fuck.

Two Of Your Favorite Foods:

Thai
Sushi

One Person You Love More Than Anyone Else:

Sarah

After The Ball Is Over

So, the question comes up again and again:
What to do for New Year's?
Mark & Lorna are out of the picture.
To quote my Dad, "I'm so broke, I can't pay attention."
I don't really like the idea of being out amongst the shambling Frat masses
-- or worse -- the amateur drunks -- it's like a High Holy Day for some people to...cut loose.
So, what then? What's the answer?
Maybe I have a few people over?
Not a party, a gathering. Maybe.
I don't have much in the way of alcohol or food for a party...or even a gathering.
But it would be nice to Close The Year with some friends.
And I myself could always drink the last of my absinthe.
There's enough left for one person...
To quote Steve (who is quoting someone else, I think):
It's a choice, there's a better one.

Josh The Knife

Sarah's little last minute birthday party went really well.
The two of us had dinner and then we went to Mark & Lorna's show at The Red Fox Lounge.
Ah, the geeky thrill of being a regular at a bar -- where the two minor celebrities that you came to see -- remember you and call you by name and sing birthday songs to Sarah and insert your name into other songs.
Very fun. And Marcie and Natalie and Eric and Jeff and Rob all came. It was really nice.
The only sad thing is that Mark & Lorna are already sold out for New Year's Eve. That's too bad.
Last night was just a nice mixture of friends/birthday/holiday/lounge music/cheap whiskey sours and Irish coffee/theatre talk/presents for Sarah (the little old lady bartender even brought out some birthday decorations)/and this magician friend of Mark & Lorna's made Sarah a balloon animal/Natalie made brownies/Jeff and I came one step closer to perfecting our audience participation during the "That Old Black Magic" and a lot of the songs from CHICAGO....
I had a lot of fun and I hope that Sarah did too.

Simpsons Did It!!!

As all sane people know, the Simpsons have already used every single funny joke/situation known to man but here's one from Homer that I've found myself doing today (in my head, OCD style)......

....ending everything I think or say with the phrase "....with a vengeance."

Example: 'Sure I'll move those boxes....with a vengeance.' or 'Sure, I'll move those boxes back into their original positions....with a vengeance.'

Try it, you'll love it, it'll become a part of you.

It's Easy If You Try....

The things you own, end up owning you -- Fight Club


And on that pleasant note, let's be consumers, capitalistic pigs for a second --

I need/want/deserve/have a compulsion for:

A paint job for my car
A new apartment (maybe a place where I can paint walls)
An Ipod
New glasses frames
New clothes -- this isn't as materialistic as it sounds, right now, every pair of jeans I own (3) all have holes in the asses - which is funny since I don't really have much of an ass myself, more of an extended upper thigh - so it's taken my 'ass' three years to finally grind the seats of my pants down to a nub.
A computer - maybe a laptop.
A computer desk
Some new furniture - just a new little item here or there.
Some artwork (SHAG) or at least some frames for posters

That's all I can think of right now....

Take Me Out

I refuse to be this person - this little office drone in the New Year.
I won't wear this weak mask at my next job - I swear to that.
If there exists a Fate or Ka then that is why I was put in this place,
to learn that this isn't for me, to learn that I need to get my excrement together.
It's like being visited by The Ghost Of Christmas Future:
Do you want to be here this time next year?
Do you want to end up like these colorless, soulless husks all around you?
No imagination.
No brain.
No personality.
I need some sort of creative force in my life, in my work.

You Wanna Be Starting Something?.....

Comments required.
I guess this sort of goes with resolutions for some people -
but name IT -- name the ONE THING you want to happen in 2005.
I'm assuming its a personal thing but if you want WORLD PEACE or
SOME SUCH, I suppose it's allowed since the question itself is vague.
So, there you go: Name IT, say IT, write IT out....
Names have power.
Take that power, shape IT,
make IT happen (not to be confused with the Mariah Carey dance hit that came out when I was in 7th Grade)

This is my little cry for help cause I'm bored to fucking tears and none of you bastards are posting today...

When Is A Door Not A Door?

When it's your job.
No, opps, said that wrong - force of habit -
What I meant was: when it's a jar.

Anyway, that little chestnut is in honor of of a late Christmas gift I received yesterday,
a figurine of The Riddler (as he's depicted in the excellent Batman miniseries: HUSH)
from Steve.
Totally cool of him to think to get something for me.
(I'm currently suffering from guilt over not having anything for him)
Especially cool since its one of those gifts that you get because someone was paying attention to something you were saying (like when you say off the cuff that you love the fact that -- SPOILER AHEAD -- The Riddler is responsible for the events in HUSH)
Time to add that to the list of resolutions -- find gifts for people (beyond DVDs) based on conversations you have with them. I would like to be able to make my friends feel the way that opening that gift made me feel.
Steve rules, what can you say?
Maybe I should set up an evening out with Orlando and Maddie and Sarah and myself -- hmmm, there's an idea.

In the friendship department, I also got an email from someone I haven't heard from in forever. That was really cool. Closing the Year. It's nice to touch base with everyone you want to see in 2005 safe and sound.

Putting The Rest In Restroom

I actually go to the bathroom at work - just to get away for a few minutes.
I just stand in the handicap stall, staring at the mirror or plucking my eyebrows.
Or flossing.
My own little private world.

Resolutions.

No order, just as I think of them:

Write more. And not just in this blog
(that's an old one that I never seem to live up to)
Be less wishy washy.
Go back to school.
Umm.
I don't want to list a new job - but a new job.
Be in a Fringe show.
Figure out what the Hell I want to do with my life.
(never hurts to put that one on the list)
Audition at Mad Cow this year.
Take some of my close friends from Orlando on
a little daytrip to Jacksonville to see: Riverside, 5 Points, San Marco
Let 'Fortune Favors The Bold' be my true motto in 2005
either that or 'It was like that when I got here' can't decide...err...be
less wishy washy, more decisive.
That's a hard one.
Write. More. Of Everything.
Something beyond haikus.
Chance. Risk.
I'll be 26 soon.
I'm going to get into more arguments this upcoming year.
Nothing personal, I'm sure it'll deepen our friendships in the long run.
No more 'tick a lock'
No more 'think limited'
No more 'never mind'
No more 'whatever'
There are so many little things, things that aren't really resolutions...
I want
I want a room full of my friends.
I want a hundred small fun just because gatherings.
I want a larger circle.
I want my smaller circles to be reforged, stronger in the New Year.
I want time.
I want
I want one universe to put everyone in.
I want to stand up for myself more.
I want there to be an equal amount of "Fuck You" and "Fuck Me"
I want to be right for a change.
I want to not feel depressed and angry one minute, then joyous and crazy the next minute.
I want to get the chance to enjoy more yoga.
I want this to be THE year for everyone.

I'm sure that there's more. Just like I'm sure that there were some that I'm too frightened to put into print.

The Good Times Are Killing Me

Get me out of here. Is it lunch time yet?

Sugar's Sweet And So Is She -- Bye Bye Blackbird

Here we go again.
Hope everybody had a great Christmas, got lots of loot (or enjoyed the birth of the Messiah, whatever you're into)
I had a pretty nice holiday - although it felt a bit rushed - and now I'm back here.
Here. This place.

Breath.
At least it's another 3 and a half day week.
There, that's something nice.

Kamikaze subject change: Had a lot of fun at Natalie's suprise birthday Christmas night. Pleasure Island - never been there before. Lots of cool people: Steve S., Todd, Steve French, Ward, Tyler, David, Jeff, Sarah...
We were at this dance club - but they lost power (for all I know we were this close to a Disney nuclear incident) - so we went over to The Adventurer's Club. Really fun and funny - I can see how people can get geeky about the place. All in all, not a bad birthday for somebody with the misfortune to be born on Christmas.

This morning was a perfect example of what I like to call: Sleep In, The Weather's Fine.
Freezing cold, icy outside - warm as bliss inside.
And I was awake just long enough this morning to enjoy it for a bit...

What's this week? New Year's. Resolutions. Begin. Renew. Resumption.

Now I Have A Machine Gun, HO HO HO!!!

Since there probably won't be too much blogging going on the next few day I just want to say MERRY CHRISTMAS to everybody - hope your holiday is cool - hope you get lots of presents - hope I get lots of presents.
Be safe. Have fun. Let's close out 2004 with a bang not a whimper (that doesn't mean I'm changing my blog title to The Bang Of Blown Up Dogs though)

Well, The Clock Says It's Time To Close....

or How To Get Over Your Fears Of Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop.



Tick tick tick. Found out. Unrest. Surprise. Secret meetings. Paranoia. Political machinations. Rebellions. Feints. Feint within feints. Wheels within wheels. Plastic smiles. Pats on the back. Attaboys. Gods, I'm starting to sound like Todd.

My current job life is like a John Le Carre spy novel, only with all the exciting stuff taken out.

And all of this before noon. Thank Kali it's only a half day.

But what's the next lilypad, you ask. Ask away. Bombs away. No idea.
Sarah and I talked about that last night.
It was a good conversation.

What is Josh's goal. What should I do with myself? What do I want? Who do I want to be?

In my secret heart - I want to write fantasy novels - like the people that I read in my youth: Tolkien, Brooks, Weis & Hickman, Herbert, Salvatore and then later Jordan, J.V. Jones, Goodkind, Marco, and Martin....Martin most of all he's ruined me for all other fantasy writers. And then you have people like China Mieville who are using the classic fantasy trappings and mixing them with steampunk elements and then spinning the whole thing off in another direction.

Swords and magic and dragons and wizards and stuff, not mindless hack and slash - but that is just a setting that I enjoy and those are just worlds that I know people enjoy escaping too. Like me - in that stuffy library on Dunn Avenue, pouring over and over books...ever since I read The Hobbit. And then Lord Of The Rings. And Shannara. And Dragonlance. And Dune. And Drizzt. The Wheel Of Time. The Baker's Boy. Wizard's First Rule. Game Of Thrones.

But the thing is - I don't know if there's any talent or stories inside of me. I haven't written anything longer than a haiku in almost three years now. Plus, there's a million (millions) of people out there who want to be a writer. And they probably have more talent and more luck and more drive.....

Why can't I be more ambitious? I don't know. Where do you get the balls big enough to go after something so crazy and scary? Funny, I'm thinking of a quote from one of Robert Jordan's books in The Wheel Of Time series:


He who would brave the heights, must walk the path of daggers.


And then there's this fun little bit of made up language from Game Of Thrones: valar morghulis
Which means: All Men Must Die
I like that too seems very Greek or Roman, didn't the Romans have a motto like: Remember That You Are Mortal.
We all have limited time. 25 years of it slipped by pretty damn fast already, yes.
Brass ring, right.
Grab.
Lunge.
Fall.
Break.
Maybe.
Worth it.

But first there's this pesky little problem of feeling like I could be fired any day now.....
Next lilypad, please.

If you're feeling froggy, jump....

Tell The Fiddle Player He's A Rooster Dick Mother Fucker

Grind.
Teeth.
Bottle it up.
Stifle.
Choke.
Plastic smile.
Piano wire.
Pop.
Plop.
What?
Fuck.
Tinsel.
Pictures.
Dweezil Draazil Drozil Droam
Time For This One To Come Home.
Throwback.
Atavistic.
I'd love to push my thumb into your eye.
My left thumb.
Cantone: I gotta get outta here.
Flames, flames on the sides of my face.
White. Scarlet. Mustard. Plum. Peacock. Green.
Body.

Freakin' Idiot!!!

Finally saw Napoleon Dynamite last night - loved it.
What is it about tetherball that's just inherently funny?

Nobody's Fault But My Own

I hate this place.

Questions, Questions That Need Answers

Home sick today - basically feels like I don't have nostrils in my face.

So, here are some of those answers to those questions from a few posts ago:

Alyson:
1) I'd rather sell jewelry on QVC
2)This second the thing that would make me happiest is my nostrils back.
3) Math's not my strong point. Umm, 3.14?

Sarah:
1) I'd go on vacation to Japan.
2) I have no idea what my most attractive feature is...
3) I like redheads, a redhead with a nice bum is better, a redhead with a nice bum and a great laugh is best.

Gigi:
1) My superhero name would be: Madcap or Delirium
2) I'd dress like Rorschach from Watchmen
3) I'd be able to cast illusions into someone's head

There, that was the kind of fun that almost makes me forget about the whole not having a nose thing.

Over & Out

The 1940s Radio Hour made its last broadcast today.
Isn't it funny how no matter how frustrating it is --
it's still always sad to watch a set come down.

Mom and Dad came to see it today, with Michael.
They really enjoyed it, sat on the front row.

It was nice to see all of them.
Maybe I'm a little sad that I won't see them on Christmas.

It's An Art.

Just got back from the Into The Woods read through.
It's going to be a lot of fun.

Sarah and Amber and Brian and Marcie are all out Christmas shopping right now.
They're going to swing back and pick me up in a bit.

Marcie and Kevin and Amber and Brian all saw the show last night.
They had a good time. We all went out afterward. It was cool, fun.

Tonight, Kevin and Megan are coming. I'm excited to see them, it's been a while.

Then tomorrow we close, Mom and Dad and Michael are going to be there.

Bye bye 1940s. Bye bye bullshit.

Kamikaze subject change: Is it wrong to enjoy someone more in their incarnation as a blog than as a human being?
Hmmm.

I'm glad that so many of my friends, so many of the important people in my life now have blogs that I can read:
Amber, Marcie, Jeff.....

Is It Secret? Is It Safe?

1) Recommend the following to me:
1a - a movie
1b - a book
1c - a cd


2) Then ask me any three questions and I'll answer them. Or if I can't answer them, I'll at least try to provide entertaining shuck and jive.

Slap On My Ass From A Lipstick Kissed Elbow Glove (#2)

Lunch with Sarah. Thai food. Just keep thinking of that....

...ahhh, an actual smile (nonplastic and environmentally friendly)

Like Billy Crystal Playing Scarface

My plastic smile has melted around the edges.
If I don't have the Want Ads in front of me on Sunday - I deserve everything that I get.
The very air is thick and heavy, just moving around here is a chore.
I don't want to improve, I want to move.
I don't fit here.
I should have called in today - that was the right choice.
Thank Odin and Kali and Vishnu that I'm off on Monday.
Nobody goes from zero to loathing faster than me.
I am Doc Holiday.
I am Billy the Kid.
I am Wild Bill.
I am Sundance.
'I will show you fear in a handful of dust.' - Elliot
----------------------------------------------------------
I'd like to work in a bookstore again - a place I at least like.
Or a comic shop.
Or video place.
Or The Weekly.
Or at a theatre, box office.
Or the library.
I'd love to do a storytime again.
I place where my abilities and the things I'm good at wouldn't be handicaps.
Cause that's the bottom line - I don't care about this job.
And I can't fake it.

'It can't come quickly enough, you spent your life, waiting for this moment, when it finally came around, it past you by, and left you so defeated' - Scissor Sisters

Make It Start

Relativity, fuckers.
Move, clock, move.
What's going on here?
I think I just went backward in time

L'esprit D'escalier

What is this post about?
Saying what's on your mind.
This year seems so strange to me.
And 2005 seems like this blank wilderness.
One more notch closer to what I consider adulthood.
A little less wiggle room for all the bullshit I create for myself.
Shouldn't I know what 'it' is yet? By now...
The man behind the curtain.
I want to be stronger, smarter. Confident.
I want to actually like myself.
I want to make my friends laugh.
I want my Mom and Dad to be proud of me.
I want my friends to be happy - all of them.
What else? What else is there in this rotten melon head of mine?
I've lost sight of a lot of things that make me happy.
I've given over power to other people.
It's getting too late in the day to be weak, small.
It's getting too late to think limited and small.
2005 is this blank space.
I've wasted a lot of potential, a lot of moments of...clarity...like this one.
I know the things I like, I know the people I love, I know where I want to be (or at least I feel a dim glowing in some direction -- which is worlds away from the darkness I normally see)
If this is really me - why can't I stay like this all the time?
How do I do it? Maintain. Expand. Adapt. Evolve. La Dee Da.
This aspect of myself feels like it's made out of twigs -- it could break, snap, fall in on itself any second.
House of Cards.
How can I make this person stronger....make him stick around?

You Know What The Monkey Said When They Cut His Tail Off...

It won't be long now...

That goes for so many things: 1940s being over, Christmas coming, New Year's coming, Into The Woods starting, me shedding this job like a snakeskin....

Closing time. Close of the year.

With The Thoughts You'll Be Thinking, You Could Be Another Lincoln

I'm George McFly, I'm your density.

Fate, ka, destiny, karma.

Pray to God but row for shore.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

Move, like a shark.

(Or like a gritty, volcanic panther.)

The world changes, and we change with it.

Adapt or die.

Time to move.

Could You Please Stand On This Chair While I Kick It Out From Under You?

All aspects of my life must be bipolar. Pulled in different directions.

On one hand - I don't even know how to deal with the pride I feel about Into The Woods. The feeling is so foreign to me that I can't describe it. I can't remember the last time I went for something I wanted and got it. Now the terror can start. Why can't I just let myself feel like a bad ass for a few minutes? Why do I have to hamstring myself?

On the other hand - we have work. Work ain't working. Not for me. Not for my co-workers. I've sort of been demoted today. Just pick up files and put files away. Of course, as my boss tells me this he also lets me know that my co-workers have been nonstop complaining about me for weeks. Great. Let's build trust, shall we? And a pleasant working environment. I've got to get the fuck out of here before it's not my choice. If you know what I mean.

2005 Fortune Favors The Bold

Slap On My Ass From A Lipstick Kissed Elbow Glove

Wow. I'm in a decent mood. I hope it'll last the drive home.

Come On, Moo With Me

I just found out that I've been cast in Into The Woods. In the role of Milky White.
I almost can't believe it. It seems very weird.
Especially since I know that the director didn't really know if she wanted the role to go to an actor or just be a prop. Fortune favors the bold. I put it down on my audition sheet, I was lucky enough to be given a great monologue by Marcie, memorized it overnight, did yoga to prove I can be physical....damn.
We Do Not Sow......Come Reap.........
I'm excited and terrified and confused as to how I've managed to do three musicals back to back to back....
The mind boggles.
Of course I won't actually have to sing in this one....which is a huge plus to me.
Our read through is this Saturday at 10 am.
Mozart to Phantom to Wally to Milky White........

I Don't Know Why This Bugs Me.....

....but can this blog please just update itself once in a blue moon?
Apparently, I've only written 37 posts since October....and we all know that's a lie.
13,305 words written (I must be triple that by now....wait....here's.....another couple of words to add to the....list....if you want them....I'll just put them over here with all the others you haven't counted...)

And I'm still a little annoyed that according to the good people at Blogger...I'm a Pisces. Maybe I'm a cusp.
I'll give them that but full on Pisces?.....

I Said, It Smells Like Fresh Vagina In Here

I can't remember the last time I laughed so long or so pointlessly.

Snakes, Why Did It Have To Be Snakes...

It just occurred to me how much more uneasy I would feel walking around the office if everywhere you turned there were snakes and crocodiles slithering or (in the case of crocodiles) just sitting real still in that creepy reptilian way. It'd be pretty hard to get any work done. But what if I worked for some eccentric person or company that demanded that snakes and crocodiles had to be present during working hours...

Press Play

I'm so ready for 5 o'clock.
I still haven't put up any Christmas decorations.
The house is clean now, though.
Called the windshield people - they're gonna fix the glass tomorrow morning.
I have a plethora of cuts and scrapes (and not the fun, soothing self inflicted kind).
My cuticle is all messed up. I keep snagging it on everything. Hurts. Wince.
Cut on my forehead (but hey, I've got a huge forehead - so, it's nice to have something to break up the monotony)
Need groceries, paper towels, drinks.
Want to get my car painted, the paint's all faded. Sunspots.
Want a radio in my car again. Speakers. Something simple. A CD player. XM. Geek.
One or two more Christmas presents need to be purchased.
Resumes have to be sent out.
2005 is on the way, it's here.
And I may start it out doing yet another show.
What happened to going to school?
52 card pick up.
New job, new job. Weird life.
Good friends, close friends.
My birthday. A birthday party. Huge Big. Event.
This afternoon is going to be so cool. Nothing to do. Break.
A date with my couch.
Tomorrow yoga.
Then...five solid days of 1940s.
Parents coming? Amber coming?
"Why was the ground at Custer's Last Stand so white?"
"Cause the Indians kept coming and coming and coming...."
lol. Ha. Ha.
Off work for Christmas.
Natalie's birthday. More cat sitting for Kevin and Marcie.
Punch and Judy and Domino.
New Year's Eve.
Are Mark and Lorna playing??
Questions, questions.
"....so if you're lonely.....
....you know I'm here....waiting for you....
...I'm just a cross hair......
...I'm just a shot away from you......
...and if you leave here....
....you leave me broken, shattered I lie...
...I'm just a cross hair......
...I'm just a shot, then we can die...."

Oh, We've Got To Be More Sensible

How is it possible that one of the best moments of my weekend was just sitting on the cold floor of a hallway at VCC? I think it's because everything this weekend was go go go.....and that was the only point where I could just stand still.
The callback went pretty well. Jeff and David and I got there a little late. So we walk into the room and Ann Hering is in the middle of a speech to, like, 30 people or so (a lot of them faces I was so glad to see: Marcie, Kris, Tyler....hell, even Kurt and Zinia, even though I don't know them very well, they've always been cool to me)......and I'm in my yoga clothes. I wanted so bad to have a chance to do my monologue one more time before having to do it for real.....but no dice. There were two people that needed to sing and then it was my turn. Thank God everyone else was banished to the hallway. So, the two people introduce their songs, sing, sit down. Then Ann says, 'Okay, Josh.' And I stand up, take off my shoes and socks...unroll my yoga mat, stand on it....ask, 'Do you need to know what this is from?'.....Ann just says, 'No, but I am fascinated, go on.' And I launch into the monologue --- but my last thought before I begin is "Wow she has such a poker face I could never tell if she like people's songs or what and even when she wrote little notes down it was so casual and how awful is it going to be if nobody laughs if she doesn't laugh cause if I finish this monologue and nobody laughs I'm going to have to roll this stupid yoga mat up in defeat and it's probably going to feel like it'll take ten years to do it and then I'll have to put on my shoes and oh man this could be a huge mistake --- and then I start the monologue.
And she laughed (almost a guffaw). And some of the other people laugh. And that sound has and always will be the balm of Gilead to me and then I'm done. I tell her what the monologue is from (Christopher Durang's Laughing Wild). And I go out into the hallway. Minutes later, Dana (stage manager - she was the stage manager for Rocky too) comes out and tells me that they won't need anything else from me tonight. But I rode with Jeff so I was kind of stuck - so I just sat down and talked with Marcie and Kris and David and Tyler and Jeff -- the callback for them lasted fucking forever. Finally, I gave Sarah a call and she came and picked me up and we went to Natalie's party (Jeff and David right on our heels - they had just been released).

Great fun at Natalie's. Of course her and Eric and Kim and Steve had all went to see 1940s earlier in the day. It was an interesting mix of Rocky people and 1940s people, very laid back, and Natalie (because she rules the planet) had a big tray of sushi. So, it was a nice closer on a hectic (and at times high voltage) weekend.

I Say A Little Prayer For You

It occurs to me that I kind of miss wearing make up and a bra.
And, yeah, I also kind of miss my dress from Once In A While.
Maybe there's a little Eddie Izzard in me...

I Wish...

Into The Woods auditions earlier today went well.
Marcie and I both got callback.
Saw Caroline Drage there and Tyler and Brett and Nicole Carson...

I've been asked to come back tomorrow with a comic monologue.
(I sang the theme song from Cheers....poorly)
Marcie let me borrow this Christopher Durang book that has a great one in it.
"Don't be offended....but the character is so neurotic....I can just hear you saying it."

Funny thing is....when I started to read it.....there were a few lines......that I have actually said before....

Going to try and clean my house now.
The modern man's equivalent to writing haiku.

Hangman, Hangman, Wait A Little While......

Gallows humor.
I can't laugh or cry.
All I can do I stand here like an idiot.
No sooner spoken than broken.
In the industry, we call them cigarette burns.
---------
Coin flip. 52 card pick up.
In a way, I'm already dead.
There's no suicide needed - I think that I must have killed myself years ago.

And this is Hell. My Hell. Or whatever mythology you follow.
Maybe Hell is just a Greatest Hits collection of all your worst moments.
Just all the pain that you've caused and felt. Over and over again.

If I didn't have just enough....doubt, fear....that there's a Big boss Man in the sky,
ready to dispense.....judgement....well, it's probably a useful bit of fear at any rate.

Childish, vain, cowardly, selfish...........

Jagged Little Pill

{gulp}

You Unimaginable Bastard

The reverse Midas, that's me.
The fulcrum of my life, the center of the wheel of my fate, my ka.
I'm clearly a force of destruction in my life and the lives of others.
I attempt to be so meek and inoffensive -- and that is the human time bomb.
You can't go through your life without stepping on someone's toes.
But what do you do when you've dragged a bunch of people into your wake -
into the slipstream of your idiocy?
I hate stepping on toes, I hate confrontation.
I hate arguing.
I don't know exactly how or why or when everything fell out of my grasp.
It's my nature, this horrible confusion, I spread it like a Typhoid Mary.
Patient X.
A black hole - escape velocity past the speed of light, everybody's trapped.
And I create it all out of thin air.
Discomfort, weirdness, bullshit.
It's an accident, I swear.
I don't mean to be so wishy washy - but Man Jesus, does it fuck a lot of people up when I am.
I'm too much of a changeling - nobody knows what or who they're gonna get from me.
Even I wouldn't recognize myself from last week.
Too many masks. Too many Joshs.
A Josh For Work, A Josh For Family, A Josh For This Circle Of Friends, A Josh For That Circle Of Friends,
A Josh By Himself But Pretending People Are Watching Anyway, A Josh On The Couch (even I need a break from all this), A Josh For Summer, Fall, Winter, Rainy Days, Clubs, Bookstores, Getting The Mail, Doing Yoga...
All part of the Josh Milquetoast Inaction Figure Toy Line.

John Doe's Got The Upper Hand!!!!

I'm here to serve you Master.......aaaannnnnndddd Satan!!!!

On a scale of one to ten, I'm a solid six as an office guerrilla warfare expert. One of these days I'll get to ten, I'm sure.

They had the stick sharpened at both ends
--- Lord Of The Flies

If Only Me Drawing This Maze Would Give You A Heart Attack

I am Josh's wasted Life.

You know that scene in Fight Club where Ed Norton's character beats himself up in front of his boss.
That would feel pretty good right now.

I'm compulsively doodling little mazes on scraps of paper.
I use to do that in elementary school.
It's soothing.
And I can't stop.

New OCD FUN. It's a game I call: Close-Your-Eyes-And-See-How-Far-You-Can-Confidently-Walk-Fast
I'm up to 21 steps.

This Is The Game That Moves As You Play

So, all I can think of is finding a new job.
Starting over at zero.
Am I overreacting? Is this a symptom of my recent fugue?
I'm helpless to rewrite this morning.
I'm tired of Papillon, of Cool Hand Luke...
Tired of all the mindless jobs I've ever had.

I wish I could just leave my brain in a jar by the door.
Just send my body here, automaton, savant, push button monkey.

I've only been here nine months (and that's if you count April).
This has got to be some kind of a record for me.
Zero to discontent.
Back to zero, back to zero.

I can't want to quit because of a person.
Cause God knows every place I've ever worked has had it's fair share of assholes:
Adams, Ian, Vicki, JoLynda, Larry, Stephanie.

No. No, I need a change of scene.
All of these jobs are just stutter steps anyway.
None of them are real.
Just a series of pauses, taunts, hiccups....
Like being constantly choked, in the bad way.

I've Been Here Before

Fight with a co-worker. Boss gets involved. Things are said that can't get 'unsaid'.
There's tension. Then there's this oil-slick-on-the-surface-of-the-water-under-the-table vibe that never goes away until you quit.

I've played out this scene over and over in endless variations.
It always marks the end of a golden age.
Welcome to version 6.0

Duelist.
It never stops.
Line in the motherfucking sand.
Fuck. Fuck me.