Yadot Eldood A Tsuj

Well, my last post was kind of the blog equivalent of a doodle, wasn't it. I don't know what my problem is this week -- I can't concentrate on any of the stuff I need to do at work. I have 300 unofficial bosses that can get me in trouble with my official one. I love that. There are too many little bullshit projects going on right now, each one sucking the life out of the last one. And all of them of a boring, office work nature -- not worth describing. Picture that scene in The Matrix where all those rows of guns rush at Neo and Trinity...only replace guns with files. Although if you want to picture Carrie Ann Moss instead of me, I'll understand. I've already been asked (in all seriousness) if I have dyslexia. I can remember loving to doodle. I use to draw mazes. Huge minotaur proof mazes, whorls, loops, endless. I've gotten in trouble here for my doodling. I drew that caterpillar, the one smoking a hookah, from Alice In Wonderland. Sic Transit Gloria. I also specialize in a caricature of myself. Mostly its in the eyebrows. Sleepwalking. Day dreaming. Pie in the sky.

Why is wasting time so soothing to me? Why can't I string together two thoughts today?
Am I starting to hate my job (eight months in -- a new record for me)? Or am I just hating this week?
I'm bored. I'm lazy. I'm sloppy. I'm tired. Too tired to even roll my eyes properly.

I was thinking about part of the conversation Marcie and I had, we were talking about status, and whether or not status was important to me (this was in regards in my fascination with local celebrities). And after thinking about it a bit - I don't think status itself is important to me -- I don't have to be a BOLD PRINT CAPITAL LETTERS IN ITALICS PERSON myself. My fascination comes simply from wanting in be included, on the inside of something. God, I'd make a wonderful cult member, pass the cyanide punch. I just want to run in the same circles as the people I find interesting. I don't want to be invisible, I suppose. I want attention but not pressure. The extroverted introvert speaks, right. Josh, confidante to the semi mediocre theatre niche of Orlando stars. That's the funny thing to me about local celebrity -- a lot of the names that occur to me and that I attach all my projected stuff onto -- wouldn't mean a fucking thing to that vast majority of Orlando. Like I'm sure somewhere in this city is a band that has a small but growing following, and this band probably has a fan or two that would love to hang out with them and just be there.....but if I heard of this band, I'd say, "who gives a shit." I'm sure there are other examples beyond the band example. I just like the selective nature of local celebrity: Some people know your name and some people could give a shit. Now, don't think that I'm just a sycophant or that I would gloss over somebody who's a prick just to be friends with them. My criteria for friends remains the same. You're either cool or not. I just want a large circle, that's all. Or maybe instead of a circle, I want a maze. Enough people to completely lose myself in.