I'm The Only Josh That Bothered To Show Up

I don't want to say that this was the worst Thanksgiving I've ever had -- but the only reason I'm not going to say that is because it would give the day too much power over me to admit how bad it was.

I love that my Mom has this idealized, fictionalized version of myself that she keeps expecting to show up for various family functions. And I never quite fit the bill. I don't match whatever the hell picture she has of who and what I am. And she can't just let it go and maybe get to know the person I am now.

A few years ago, when my sister and I first moved out, and then later when I first moved to Orlando, I use to say that it felt like Mom and Dad and Amber and me were characters on a sitcom that didn't know how to relate to each other outside the parameters of THE GEOGHAGAN FAMILY 1979 - 2000. But now I feel like Dad and Amber and myself have adapted and found new connections with one another.

But not Mom - there's always this feeling of..."this isn't how you should be, how did you end up this way, where did I go wrong, why are all my children like this..."

Whether it was my hair, or my job, or going back to school (just for the degree - Mom could give a shit what it's in or what I want to 'be'), or seeing The Rocky Horror pictures.....everything was ill fitting and wrong and a mistake. She couldn't even sit still to watch The Noises Off DVD....it doesn't matter that it's something I'm proud of (even Dad watched it -- and he came down to see it!!)

I will have zero guilt about not coming up for Christmas and for not showing up next Thanksgiving. Chris may have been right all along about these family functions. Just don't show up.

There's just something sad and small and depressing to me about that house.

I wish that weren't so.

It makes me feel so sad and lonely to be this disconnected from my family.