Fugue

What is going on today? I'm really having my first little taste of not liking my job. Not that I've ever loved my job -- it's just a job, you know -- but there's something about today that has me totally drained and depressed. My thoughts today are drifting near the subject of my dubious future. And all of those thoughts are ever decreasing concentric circles moving counterclockwise towards the drain.
This mood is merging with my fears and nerves about Rocky and my apathy about 1940s Radio Hour. Seems like no matter how exactly I spend my time over the final months of this year, it'll be a waste. A disappointment. A tiresome mess.
I just want to go home. Wait, a minute, no I don't. I don't know what I want. I wish I could have distilled and bottled my ability to look into the future and see something good for myself -- not the thousands of ways I'm going to fail and fuck up and turn things to shit -- I didn't use to worry this much about where I would be in 5 years, 10 years. And then, sometime after the worrying, I just stopped thinking about it altogether -- until days like this when it hits me. Special little days like today.
What a useless, whining loser I am. I need to get out of this building, I need to get....and that's the problem, isn't it.....I'm great at feeling like shit....I just don't know what it's going to take to get me to the other end of the spectrum.
Maybe it's a fake it until you feel it thing. Smile til your jaw aches, laugh the longest and the loudest.....is it weak of me to say I miss Zoloft on days like this...even though I know (first hand) that this isn't clinical depression -- with that lovely little imbalance you don't need things like the future, or worry, or Rocky, or work to make you feel bad, you just feel bad....I just wish that I could swallow a tiny blue pill and feel......if not normal then at least, I don't know the word I want....

Even. Stable, maybe. Something. Is there any surprise that I come from a long line of suicides?.....
I'd blow my brains out too if I thought that would disrupt this black and red cloud hanging around me.

So, that's that.