Cheer Up Or I'll Give You A Chelsea Smile...

So, I usually don't need outside sources like the weather to make me feel depressed....but....

This weather is like static, everything blanketed in gray, wet, pissy misery....

This is shotgun-in-the-mouth weather.

This is carbon monoxide and plastic bag cocktail weather.

This is sink full of ice water, straight razor on the counter kind of weather.

So, on top of what I feel are my legit reasons for being moody and depressed (both the external, nonweather reasons and the internal, chemical ones)....I, hell, everybody also has to wade through this thick, wet bullshit.....

Let me muster up enough of a sneer on my face to I can say, "Great."
I'll say it and hold it out for about a minute.

Drive in it, go to lunch in it.

Weather usually doesn't bother me this much. Well, heat, humidity....I'm not a fan of either of those.

Fuck. Negative balance. No honeymoon. Fuck, things just seem....messy right now. No fucking money. Power-fucking-less. Eye strain. Ass ache. Tucked in. This weather. Wet shoe prints in the kitchen. Fucking dust everywhere. Stale. Messy. Piles of shit, clothes. Stacks. Where is everything gonna fit? Fuck. What happens next? Tension. Strain. Deja Vu. Repeat offender. Them door's gonna swing wide!!! Baggage. Useless. Baby. Dead Weight. Fucking menace. Spastic. Oil Change. What Is That Fucking Noise? Calm the fuck down. This weather. This wet, bruise colored weather. Phonecalls. Obligations. Rules. Bills. Floating. Menace. Dread. Loathing. Jackals. Idiot. Useless as tits on a boar hog.

I feel like a had control over some of these things....and now it just feels like I am at the fucking whim of....I don't know....my own idiocy, I suppose.

Somewhere in me....there's a rational part that says: You've been through worse, things will be better again soon. It's a fucking wheel and sometimes you feel like it's grinding you under....but, eventually, you find some purchase and pull yourself back up to the top. Up there the danger is all in keeping your balance....down here, it's all about maintaining, not getting crushed, not letting the pressure smear you all over the place....give in, relax, trust, row for shore....breath....the only certainty is that the wheel is always moving....

I wish that voice was louder. I wish I could make myself calm down....bend....not shatter.

Fucking, om, right???