Now That I Have Your Attention

Maybe I'm feeling a little Cro-Magnon today - I think it should be okay to choke/strangle some people in order to get their attention/let them know you have a problem with their line of reasoning. Not kill them - just strangle them until they pass out. Then when they come around, a new dialogue can begin, with their old, outdated ideas left to the past as you both step forward on the right foot.

Let me give you an example: Virginia, the good for fucking nothing numb cunt bitch costume designer for Into The Woods.

A few weeks back, up in her lair above the stage, I can remember being laughed at and mocked for not liking the horrible cow head that's a part of my costume -- Now, realize that that's not what they (Virginia and her students/cronies/clones/other useless slags) were laughing at -- they were under the mistaken idea that I was mad because the horrible cow head had pink ribbons on it -- "You're a girl, after all." -- Stupid fucking cunt. I know Milky White is a girl, I don't have a problem with that -- I had/have a problem with how ugly the head is and how impractical it is -- (the harness inside it shifts around and the quote unquote eyeholes are useless because they don't match up with where the harness is, so I'm blind on my right side, and the angle I get out of the left side is of the ceiling -- really fucking useful) -- flash forward and then rewind to last night -- I go up to try on my costume (and let me just say how much complaining I have to listen to from Virginia on the way up about how demanding everyone is being and her attitude is: fuck them, I don't give a shit) -- lo and behold, here's my Milky White costume, the head is as I've already described it, and the body is servicable but not much better -- except for THE HUGE BROWN BALLSAC MADE OUT OF SOCKS that's attached to it.

As I like to say first thing in the morning when I wake up: Whafuck?

Yes, a big brown ballsac, complete with two, count 'em, two huge coconut sized balls.

"Oh, you put balls on it. Ha." Is all I can say through clenched teeth.

"Yeah. Isn't it great. It's gonna be so funny. It's great." Virginia the numb cunt bitch says.

Be Diplomatic. "Ha. But I thought that Milky White was a girl. You know, only girls can give milk."

And she just looks at me like I'm a fucking mongoloid that she has to explain the joke to: "That's why it's funny, he's a boy, so he can't give milk."

Am I in a fucking sanitarium for the mentally challenged, it was at this moment that a clear, white hot hatred for this woman blossomed inside of me like a beautiful, evil lotus. You cunt. You fucking idiot bitch. You lazy slag cunt. Am I surrounded by crazy idiots -- the girl playing The Witch is cawing and cackling her approval of my new bovine testicles. I could kill everyone in this room right fucking now - it's up to me to keep this sort of insanity from cursing anyone else. Where am I? What the fuck is going on? What is this bestial nightmare? How much of this is my own fault? Who's to blame? How many times would I have to hit her in the face with one of my stilt-hooves to make the world a safe place for truth, justice, Mom, apple pie, baseball, Chevrolet, and The American Way?

Instead I put on the fucking costume and parade to the stage - to the hoots and jeers of a cast driven mad with bloodlust at the sight of fake brown balls.

Thank Christ and Allah and Kali Herself that Anne didn't approve the fake balls. Although, Virginia The Cunt fought tooth and cigarette stained nail for them. It's no act - she loved those fake balls.

It was around this time - trapped inside the giant pink vagina of the horrible cow head - that I came up with the simple, physical act of the choke hold as a form of ultimate veto.

I'd like to think that a Virginia waking up from being attacked by a hermaphrodite cow, balls and pink ribbons swinging, would be a better member of the human race. An upstanding citizen. Someone on a different course than the slagheap who squirmed and fought the soothing blackout, saliva spraying over the brown bovine ballsac that I would use as a garrote.

I'd like to think that...


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Now for something...other:

Name Your Favorite______ when you were a kid.

1) Muppet.

Kermit.

2) Dukes Of Hazzard character.

Waylon Jennings as The Narrator. "Them Duke Boys done got themselves into a heap of trouble."

3) Disney character.

Maleficent. She sort of scared me and attracted me all at once.

4) Book.

The Hobbit. Hands down. I love all fantasy but this is THE STORY for me, the one that started it all, my love for a whole genre (and the root of my love for sci fi, superheroes, and other related stuff)

5) Movie.

A bunch. Star Wars (over and over again). The Goonies. Gremlins. Cloak & Dagger. The Flight Of The Navigator. The Last Unicorn. Dark Crystal. Labryinth. The Transformers Movie. I seem to remember watching a Rainbow Brite movie where this kid had a flying robot horse that was really cool. A cartoon movie by Miyazaki called Nausicaa Of The Valley Of The Wind (That's Lord Yupa, kill him and you'll be famous!!) Back To The Future. The Hobbit (the Rankin/Bass cartoon version) D.A.R.R.Y.L. The Karate Kid. Ewoks: The Battle For Endor. Conan The Destroyer (I like it better than the first one)