Trying To Be Radiant

I was recently looking through this book about Buddha -- and there was a passage about some monks that were alive during his time -- and people would comment about how happy they were -- not just happy but radiant -- and Buddha replied that they were happy because they were living fully, perfectly in the present -- they did not repent the past -- they did not brood on the future -- they were truly living in the moment --

And that made me realize, that's all I do: repent the past and brood on the future. And all I get out of the deal is a lot of worry and doubt and self-loathing. I can't remember the last time I just looked around and said: This is where I should be, I am content. I can't remember the last time I maintained any joy out of the present. I'm always looking back and wishing I'd done something different -- or looking forward and wondering when the next shoe will drop. George Orwell said it best, "If you want to picture the future, picture a boot stomping on a human face for the rest of time." Or something like that, more or less.

This is something I need to work on. Setting aside the past and letting the future take care of itself.

I'm very nervous about tonight's show since we were rained out last night. (Wow - and with that one sentence we can see both the past and the future, camped out on my shoulders, pecking at my eyes). Tonight a lot of people who are important to me are coming -- and I just want it to be good for them.