Once Upon A Time.....

This is the first morning in a long time that I can remember driving to work and not feeling - doom, defeat, loathing (both for myself and everyone around me), disgust, apathy, impotence, rage, and horror all mixed together. At Foley, I stayed too long - at Lowndes, my stay was cut short - at AmSouth, I never wanted to stay at all (they were just the first people to get back to me). all of those places - it seems so plain, now, that I'm just not the kind of personality that needs to be anywhere near law offices and banks - places like that - I can't be happy and productive - I can't be what they want me to be - and faking just insults everyone. I don't know - I feel like for the first time in a long time that I may have made a correct decision.

Today was fun. I'm sure that I'll be able to pick up everything pretty quick. Yes, I still need to find another part time job - moneywise, that's at the top of my list. But, I don't know, I feel like instead of fighting within a system that's bound to grind me up - that I'm somehow moving ahead, moving on, and I'm not worried. I'm having this moment where I just feel like things are gonna play out nicely - maybe not easily or cleanly - but, I don't know, it's like I can at least see pathways and outcomes and branches and I want to enjoy this sense of vision. This is pretty rare for me - usually it's all black, no light, fuck - no tunnel, even.

Maybe this sense of vision is because of my air conditioning.

Yesterday, I had lunch with Sarah, drove out to meet her, had lunch, got back in my car, drove home - suddenly, I realize something is fucking wrong, I'm hot, I'm sweating -- oh, silly, the AC is off -- {flip the switch} -- nothing. Nothing. No cool air. No luke warm air. No hot air. Hmmm. What the fuck? Why? Working fine this morning. Yesterday was hot as Hell (which is still about 20 degrees cooler than Orlando in, say, July or August - during those months I won't even have enough saliva in my parched mouth to pronounce the evil names of those months) Get home, call Dad, mess with fuses. Still nothing. Call Kevin, he calls back with some advice, check out the stuff he says to check out, belts, fuses again - nothing. Fuck. Fuck me. Why? Realize I'm going to have to take the car to a mechanic and be fucked hard up the ass, with only my blood and tears as lubrication - I do what I always do - rage around the house for a few, uncontrollable Hulk-like moments -FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK - then, I calm down, breath, and make peace with the fucker, 'This is your lot, you ass, what were you going to spend money on anyway, comic books? Starbucks? Boo fucking hoo.'

And later that night, when I went to rehearsal -- my air conditioning worked again. Just like that. It's fine/It's broken/It's fine again. No reason. Maybe messing with the fuses worked. Maybe. Maybe in the future, I'm a time traveler slash mechanic and I came back to yesterday to correct this horrible mistake. Maybe Odin and Kali and Coyote and Marie Laveau and King Leonidas and Steve McQueen formed a Super Hero Group in the AfterLife and decided to help me turn The Wheel a little. Maybe yesterday I changed Coke to Pepsi. I don't know. Maybe any second, it could all fall apart again. Don't know.

But you've got to smile and try and enjoy such a bloodless victory.

Yesterday and evey idiotic day before it is dead. Good-bye and good luck. Tomorrow, hell, a few hours from now is unformed. Worrying about it now won't give it shape So, right now, I'm going to attempt to just be content with this second, this time, this moment.

{You may feel free to picture a cat hanging from a tree limb. I just did, anyway.}