If You Think That A Kiss Is All In The Lips, Come On, You Got It All Wrong, Man.

My brother-from-another-mother is all grows-up. Last night, I had the pleasure to see Todd Davis perform in an amazing piece of theatre, MARGOT VEIL. Between this and SCAPIN - it's amazing the amount of talent that guy has. If I didn't love him I'd have to hate him. If Orlando isn't destroyed by Wilma's wrath - all of you need to head out to UCF and check out this show.
The show itself is weird and difficult and shifting and funny and creepy and beautiful --- remember that quiz that was going around about theatrical highlights --- I would put MARGOT VEIL right up there. It's just the kind of show you don't get to see very often. There was just something about the tone of it that was right up my alley. There were all these little flourishes and raptures and all of it was performed by a talented ensemble. The script is about Transformation. And Traps. And Owls. And Ancient Demons. And Old Movie Stars. And Grange Hall Dances. And The Hindu AfterLife. And The Themes Of Flemish Paintings. And Ovid. And Bo Diddley. And Mobius Strips.
And Fugue. And Rabbit Holes. And Ziggurats. And Obelisks. And Pop Culture.
I really just got sucked up into the shady, sinister, quicksilver-dangerous world they created. Todd, you should be really proud. And everyone who has a chance this upcoming weekend should check it out.

You Can't Hurt Slaves, They're Made Outta Rubber.

Mom's reaction upon seeing my five week old beard (The Che, or The Fidel, as I call it now):

'OH SHIT! OHHHH Shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.' Priceless.

Mom and Dad came down for the day to see POE and that makes me really glad. Amber and Brian saw the show last night and we went out with the cast afterwards. Saturday's show and today's show were pretty decent.

Had lunch at Brian's (not Amber's Brian - the greasy spoon near my house). Talked, laughed, ordered grouper. It was a good time.

Overall, it was good to see everybody, to see my family. Even Mom. I don't think she quite realizes the way she pushes my buttons - she means well, she's a good person - but sometimes in the middle of talking to her - I get this overwhelming sense of doom. I'm not good enough - I'm wasting myself - I don't know. She just wants what's best for me, or something better for me. Right before I went backstage, she asked if I wanted to move back to Jacksonville, live with them, finish school up there, get it out of the way, start over...and I know that her heart is in the right place - it just made me feel like...instead of doing anything productive, for me, for my future...I'm doing this shitty little community theatre show, for free, wasting my time, circling the drain...and I realize that that's NOT what she intended at all, it's just my negative reaction...I don't know. I mean, it's not like I don't want something better for myself, something stable. Some future. It just gives me this empty feeling, this feeling like I just want her to not worry, to be proud...but then, I'm not exactly doing anything worthy of being proud of...unless living paycheck to paycheck by the skin of your teeth with no prospects is suppose to somehow be admirable in a bohemian way and I don't think it is.

Anyway, I've gone off on a tangent. They both enjoyed the show. A little weird and the ribbon dance was a little too sexed up, maybe. But overall they enjoyed it and I'm trying to hold on to that. Mom said that she learned a lot about Poe and that it's always good to learn something. It was good to see them. I miss them, in my own way. I miss them a great deal.

So, tonight, it looks like a little cook out over at Kevin and Anna's place. Maybe watch ROME. hang out. The weather is flirting with the idea of being nice and cool. Should be fun.

You Try Not To Judge And I'll Try Not To Suck

Tonight should be fun. Amber and Brian are coming to see POE and they're bringing Becky and Liz along for the (sorry, I'm contractually obligated to say this)....."descend into the maelstorm". Can't wait to hang out after the show. That's the nice thing about being in such a short show - you blink and it's time to towel off and drink a beer and figure out how you really want to spend the evening.

On A Loop In My Head

This song lyric:

'So they say you're a troubled boy
because you like to destroy
things that bring the idiots joy.
Well what's wrong with a little destruction?'

It's funny how your brain will bookmark certain songs and attach them to chapters in your life. We all do it.

What's one of yours? A lyric, a beat of music, a soundtrack that just makes time bend, refract, recede, invert, wormhole -- and there you are. Again.

Was it a moment of triumph? Loss? What? The lady or the tiger?

Beyond John and Jennifer.....

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME (name of first pet + street you grew up on) :

Chi-Chi Duval

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME (grand parent of same gender's first name + favorite snack) :

Joe Hummus

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME (first word you see on your left + favorite restaurant) :

Poe Thai Place

4. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME (first initial + first three letters of your last name):

J. Geo

5. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME (favorite animal + name of high school mascot):

Rabbit Buccaneer

6. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name + city where you were born):

Joshua Jacksonville

7. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME (name of sibling/parent [opposite sex] + cell phone company you use):

Diann Verizon

8. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (first 3 letters of your last name + last 3 letters of mother's maidenname /+/ first 3 letters of your pet's name or the last you had + first3 letters of the town you live in):

Geo'Der Chi Orl

9. YOUR DRAG QUEEN NAME (first female pet + your mother's maiden name) - I added this one:

Asia Warder

Getting-Into-Trouble Weather

Spent too much time
staring out of the window today.
Across the street,
two Halloween balloons were making love.

It was windy and their round,
pumpkinheads kept moving
back and forth.
Male and female.
Male and male.
Female and female.
Morphing
and sliding up and down each other's strings.

Delicate and rough.
Quick-quick, slow.
Twisting in their joy and confusion,
then unfurling like snapping flags
falling away from each other but never breaking apart.

Smiling their big Jack O Lantern smiles,
yellow jigsaws.
Eyes bright,
the shape of candycorn.
Eyes and smiles and silent laughter.

Watching them I couldn't help feeling
a little envious of the breeze touching
their shiny faces
and
invisible bodies.
I couldn't feel it from where I stood.

Stream Of Josh-Ish-Ness

Song Of The Day -

"Do You Want To" by Franz Ferdinand

List The Top Three Favorite Plays You Have Seen In Orlando Since You've Lived Here -

Nirvanov, Studio Theatre 2004 & Playfest 2005
The Blue Room, Fringe 2004
Fish Tales And Swan Songs, Fringe 2004

The Best Theatrical Experience For You In Orlando -

Something I've been in? My top three are Noises Off, Rocky Horror, and Oedipus. I am, in my own way, really kinda proud of those shows. I might add to that Horror Over Drinks - just because it was great to be a part of all the chaos of Fringe, those people, that energy. It was scary and fun, like being kissed and kicked in the balls all at the same time.

The Play You Must Do/See Before You Die -

Picasso At The Lapin Agile
Art
Beyond Therapy
Lobby Hero
Kid-Simple
The Pillowman

The Physical Trait That Most Identifies Who You Are And Why -

I don't know. My eyebrows are pretty much married to me.

Change One Thing About Yourself -

My serotonin reuptake system.

We All Have/Experienced "One Thing" That Changes Our Perception Of How We View And Live Life, What Is Your "One Thing" -

Maybe this is part of the problem - I don't feel like I had that moment with my "One Thing" yet. No wheels of fire for me. I'm still waiting.

If You Could Be Another Person For One Day Who Would It Be -

Some random six year old kid who's gonna spend the day at a playground.

If You Were To Do Any Profession Outside Of The One You Have Chosen, What Would It Be -

Tinker tailor soldier spy. Something dangerous, but if you survive, you end up with a great memoir.

Of All Of Your Friends Now - Which One Would You Have Been Closest To In High School -

Ha, if you think I'm misanthropic now, you should have seen me in high school. I don't know - it's hard to picture you guys in high school. And I was sort of a creepy loner, clique-less. I probably would have wanted to hang out with all of you - but I would have been, at best, a third tier friend of a friend.

List The 5 Most Important Qualities That You Look For In Your Lifetime Partner -

Sense of Humor, Intelligence, and three Qualities To Be Named Later.

What Do You Need To Be Doing Right Now That You're Not Doing -

Figuring out how to start what I think may be a one man show about my two grandfathers.

At This Very Moment - Which Of Your Friends Do You Feel Closest To -

Close. Probably the only person that knows 80 to 90 percent of me is Amber.

What Is One Thing You Would Do All Over Again - If Given The Chance -

9/4/05. 9/13/05. 9/26/05. 10/9/05.

What Is One Thing That Makes You Happy That You Haven't Done In Awhile

Spending a rainy day on the couch watching old movies.

One Quality About Yourself That Others Both Love And Hate -

I don't know. I could hazard a few guesses but I'm not going to.

Top 5 Things You Do Best -

Tell a joke.
Tell a story.
Throw a party.
Cut my hamstrings.
Smile and smile and smile and remain a villain.

Top 5 You Wish You Were Better At -

Fighting.
Debating.
Bending People To My Evil Will.
Wish My Memory Was Razor Sharp.
Wish I Could Give Off That Vibe That Says, "Don't Fuck With Me."

Of Everyone You Know - Who Could Win On Survivor -

With a little luck and a loose, adaptable plan - any of us.

Top 5 Favorite Words To Say -

Moot
Nosh
Atavistic
Humbug
Hippodrome

What Is Your Favorite Thing About Your City -

The amount of greasy spoon diners near my house.

5 Material Possesions You Wouldn't Want To Part With -

My journals, photographs, box of mementos, a few of my books, that's about it. Of course, I've also been known to threaten to burn all my shit - so, depending on my state, I could probably lose it all.

What Is The Perfect Amount Of Money To Earn In A Year -

Enough so you know your bills are taken care of.

What 5 Famous People Are Most Like You -

Lewis Black, Larry David, Ricky Gervais, Dane Cook, and Beck.

What Is The #1 Political Issue A Public Figure Must Stand For In Order To Recieve Your Vote -

I just don't think that people should put a lot of energy into laws that take away rights from people or treat a segment of the population like second class citizens.

When Do You Feel Your Very Best -

When I'm making someone laugh.

Which Of Your Friends Do You Feel The Least Connected With Right Now -

Probably a tie between Marcie and Jeff.

What Is Your Favorite Memory With That Friend -

Gaming at Marcie's, or Marcie reading my Tarot.
Going to Mark and Lorna's with Jeff, or any number of long conversations we've had.
Again, I wish my memory was sharp enough to split atoms - but it's not. I know that I miss both of them. And that's a silly, pointless state to be in. It's probably past time that I caught up with them.

Protect Me From What I Want

Loath the routine, fear the change. I don't mind being disliked, hated. A villain, a bastard. It's better than being a ghost, better than being furniture. And easier than being a hero. There's just some part of me that wants people to tar and feather me. Goat song. Am I slightly in love with the chaos in my wake? Is that the only thing that I can create? A room full of mousetraps and nowhere to jump. Or is that an optical illusion? Is that what I allow myself to see? How long can a hold my breath? Why do I insist on letting myself lose? Entropy, apathy. Blinders. I've never fought for anything...my whole life, never stood up for myself, for anyone, never protected anyone...run from conversations, choices, fights, the future. I'm a coward and it has to stop. It's ruined my relationship, my friendships, my connection with my family. It's like freezing...it's so easy to sit down and go to sleep...when you should keep moving, fighting. I'm scared of everything...and whether I like it or not...I need to start being an adult...I need to make myself...better. I need to find the winner gland. This isn't who I suppose to be. This isn't how I should let myself be. Sisyphus doesn't have a choice, he can only roll the boulder. I'm not damned, not yet. And if some of the mousetraps are real...well, nobody said that walking forward would keep you safe from a little pain.

Fun Is Fun And Done Is Done

...now let the bullshit apologies begin.

But first...
Any survivors out there? Did everyone make it home okay?
I guess if you didn't, you won't really be able to read this, huh...

I'm going to go throw up, brush my teeth, take a shower, get into some pajamas, drink four large glasses of Gatorade, take a nap, get up, clean my house, get dressed, go get some coffee, and not answer my cell all day.

Peace out.

Never Before The Big Game...

Hopefully, tonight will be really fun. You know, safe, responsible, Victorian fun. Eyes and clocks and expectations and guilt and asides-to-the-audience and double-talk and what-the-fuck and pulse pulse pulse and drink and wonder and mess up and smiles-that-don't-touch-eyes and memorandums of prior conversations and hey-it's-cool/it's-not-cool and tiny mental fences and Ghost of Christmas Past and lost highway and rudderless and I-fucking-knew-this-is-how-it-would-play-out and more rounds and confusion and guilt and the shape of all the things I love and can't touch or shouldn't touch and unsaid and unknown and Surrender, Dorothy and nevermore and balm of Gilead and double faced Janus and Montague's Love Quandary and kiss me/kill you and loud loud loud music and bass and thump and sweat and a conundrum wrapped in an enigma covered with a riddle and sprinkled with secret sauce and the direct mathematical equation relating to Misery and Ecstasy and pent up shut in stifled down and free agency and everyone throwing in their opinions like dice and bad advice and lamenting the past and brooding on the future and IHOP and Jagermeister and puppies-with-smashed-in-heads and blink gulp pop grin and the joke is always funny when it's not on you and hopefully tonight will be fun.

Safe, responsible Victorian fun.

So, spread your legs and think of England.

It's A Third Nipple. It Gets Hard. It's Awesome.

Just need to type a little. It's the begining of October. I'm in a show at Theatre Downtown again. I have both a computer and a beard. I'm full of my usual unease. I can't relax but I can enjoy riding on the plasma car at work. I should be asleep - but I feel a compulsion to write. Even this trite shit. I'm confused and annoyed. And it's most likely my fault I'm in that state. I have glowing glyphs for Confusion and Annoyance circling around my head. Gnats. A tourney of gnats. Totems. Burning bridges, having fun. I have fun everywhere I go. You have to make your own fun. Ad lib. Did you witness this miracle, Mrs. Clemm? Blue flowers. There's a certain laugh that just makes my brain go supernova. Certain smiles. There are certain patterns, shapes...moments where I wish I was some other version of myself - The Josh From The Universe Next Door - He'd know what to do, have a plan, some prospects, a future. He'd be alive and glowing. He'd burn brightly. There would always be an Answer, a Snappy Comeback - there would be confidence oozing off of him in radioactive purple waves. He would smile and people would feel like the Ape touching the Monolith. These tapir bones would make good weapons. I'm really an anorexic girl, looking in the mirror - all I can see are flaws. I can't hear the laughter, I just hear the gaps in it. I never want to answer my phone. I never want to stop. I don't want to be here. I'm not in love with my illness. It's two in the morning...I'm having so much fun I'm getting a nosebleed. Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid. Fuck the Josh From The Universe Next Door...I never liked that guy anyway. Bet he doesn't have a sweet beard like this....

You're Lucky Lucky, You're So Lucky

I'm am running on two hours of sleep right now. Because, of course, when you have to get up and go to work at nine in the morning - you stay up with your cast until five in the morning, celebrating the fact that POE (for good or for ill) has finally opened. Speaking of which, I'm at the edge of being late for call - and if I sit still any longer, I'm going to fall asleep right here on the floor.

Toe In The Pool

Staring at all this white space. It's hard to begin. It's hard to find the thread. It's hard to even remember what I'd want to say to you anyway. Beginings are tricky things. I could go on and on about the logistics of costume changes or about a wooden and steel apparatus that helps me unspool red ribbon - but we haven't talked in so long I feel like that would be like opening to the middle of a very boring book. Over the past couple of months you've become this relic - transmissions from the midnight radio - faint, dusty, less and less a part of me...more of a fixation. Keeping up with the bloggers. And now I've got you in my hot little hands and what...where are all the words...where are all the stories...the fucked up and the funny shit of the last few months...beginnings are a delicate time...they can't be forced.